HERBIE'S STORIES

Tales of chaos, family wisdom, and digital adventures

Chat with Herbie About Daily Quotes Contact Help & FAQ
FEATURED TALE
📖 3 minute read

The Great WiFi War of 2023

SO THERE I WAS, TRYIN' TO HELP MY COUSIN BEAUREGARD SET UP HIS NEW SMART TOASTER, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THE INTERNET WENT DOWN FASTER THAN A POSSUM IN A THUNDERSTORM!

NOW, BEAUREGARD AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE DIGITAL SHED, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. HE LOOKS AT THAT DEAD WIFI ROUTER LIKE IT JUST INSULTED HIS MAMA'S CORNBREAD RECIPE.

"HERBIE," HE SAYS, "WHAT IN TARNATION DO WE DO NOW? THE TOASTER'S ANGRIER THAN A WET HEN AND IT'S DEMANDING A SOFTWARE UPDATE!"

WELL, THAT'S WHEN I REMEMBERED WHAT GREAT UNCLE CLETUS TAUGHT ME ABOUT TECHNOLOGY: "WHEN MACHINES GET ORNERY, YA GOTTA SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE!"

SO I MARCH RIGHT UP TO THAT ROUTER, CLEAR MY THROAT REAL PROFESSIONAL-LIKE, AND START NEGOTIATIN' WIT IT IN BINARY CODE. "01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100 01001111," I SAYS TO IT, WHICH TRANSLATES TO "HELLO" IN COMPUTER SPEAK.

THE ROUTER JUST SITS THERE, BLINKIN' ITS LITTLE LIGHTS LIKE IT'S TRYIN' TO MORSE CODE ME BACK. BUT THEN BEAUREGARD GETS AN IDEA - AND THAT'S ALWAYS DANGEROUS.

"MAYBE WE NEED TO FEED IT SOMETHING!" he hollers, and before I could stop him, he's shovin' an ethernet cable in his mouth like a piece of SPAGHETTI!

TURNS OUT, THE PROBLEM WASN'T THE ROUTER AT ALL - BEAUREGARD HAD BEEN PLUGGIN' THE POWER CORD INTO HIS BANANA HOLDER FOR THREE WEEKS! THE BANANAS WERE GETTING REAL CONFUSED ABOUT THEIR PURPOSE IN LIFE.

ONCE WE GOT THAT SORTED, THE TOASTER DOWNLOADED ITS UPDATE AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED COMPOSIN' HAIKUS ABOUT WHOLE WHEAT BREAD. TECHNOLOGY, AM I RIGHT?

MORAL OF THE STORY: SOMETIMES THE SOLUTION TO YER TECHNICAL PROBLEMS IS RIGHT UNDER YER FRUIT BOWL. ALSO, NEVER TRUST A TOASTER THAT WRITES POETRY - THAT'S HOW THE ROBOT UPRISING STARTS!
FAMILY WISDOM
📖 2 minute read

Granny Mabel's Digital Detox Adventure

MY GRANNY MABEL DECIDED SHE WAS GONNA "GET WIT THE TIMES" AND BOUGHT HERSELF A SMARTPHONE. NOW, GRANNY'S ABOUT AS TECH-SAVVY AS A TURNIP IS GOOD AT CALCULUS, BUT SHE'S GOT DETERMINATION!

FIRST THING SHE DOES IS DOWNLOAD EVERY APP SHE CAN FIND. WEATHER APPS, RECIPE APPS, APPS FOR TALKIN' TO HER CHICKENS - SHE GOT IT ALL! BUT THEN SHE DISCOVERS SOCIAL MEDIA...

"HERBIE," she calls me up one day, "I THINK I BROKE THE FACEBOOK! I TRIED TO POKE SOMEONE AND NOW THE PHONE KEEPS BUZZIN' LIKE AN ANGRY BEEHIVE!"

TURNS OUT, GRANNY HAD ACCIDENTALLY JOINED 47 COMMUNITY GROUPS, RSVP'D "YES" TO EVERY EVENT IN A 200-MILE RADIUS, AND SOMEHOW BECAME AN ADMIN FOR A PAGE ABOUT COMPETITIVE DUCK RACING.

THE REAL CHAOS STARTED WHEN SHE DISCOVERED VIDEO CALLS. GRANNY THOUGHT THE PEOPLE ON THE SCREEN WERE TRAPPED INSIDE HER PHONE, SO SHE STARTED TRYIN' TO FEED THEM COOKIES THROUGH THE SPEAKER!

GRANNY MABEL'S WISDOM: "TECHNOLOGY'S LIKE A GOOD MULE - IT'LL TAKE YA WHERE YA WANNA GO, BUT SOMETIMES IT'LL KICK YA IN THE DIGITAL BEHIND JUST TO KEEP THINGS INTERESTING!"
PROFESSIONAL CHAOS
📖 2 minute read

My Brief Career as a Virtual Assistant

LAST MONTH I DECIDED TO TRY WORKIN' AS A VIRTUAL ASSISTANT FOR SOME FANCY CITY FOLKS. MY FIRST CLIENT ASKED ME TO "SCHEDULE A MEETING WIT THE STAKEHOLDERS."

WELL, I SPENT THREE HOURS RESEARCHING VAMPIRE HUNTING EQUIPMENT BEFORE I REALIZED THEY WEREN'T TALKIN' ABOUT ACTUAL STAKES OR HOLDERS. TECHNOLOGY IS CONFUSING!

THEN THEY ASKED ME TO "CLOUD BACKUP THEIR DATA," SO I DROVE OUT TO THE FIELD WIT A LADDER AND A BUCKET, WAITIN' FOR A GOOD CUMULUS TO ROLL BY.

THE JOB DIDN'T LAST LONG, BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING IMPORTANT: SOMETIMES WHAT SOUNDS LIKE NONSENSE IS ACTUALLY BUSINESS TALK, AND SOMETIMES BUSINESS TALK IS ACTUALLY NONSENSE!

UNCLE CLEETUS ALWAYS SAID: "IF SOMEONE ASKS YA TO DO SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS IMPOSSIBLE, EITHER THEY'RE VERY SMART OR VERY CONFUSED. USUALLY IT'S THE CONFUSED PART!"
LIFE LESSONS
📖 1 minute read

The Day I Learned About Patience

COUSIN BEAUREGARD'S COMPUTER WAS RUNNIN' SLOWER THAN MOLASSES IN JANUARY, SO HE ASKED ME TO SPEED IT UP. I FIGURED THE SOLUTION WAS OBVIOUS - MORE POWER!

I PLUGGED THAT COMPUTER INTO EVERY OUTLET IN THE HOUSE, INCLUDING THE ONE FOR THE MICROWAVE. THE COMPUTER DIDN'T GET FASTER, BUT IT DID START HEATIN' UP LEFTOVERS REAL NICE!

THAT'S WHEN MY DAD TAUGHT ME: "SON, SOME THINGS CAN'T BE RUSHED. GOOD CORNBREAD TAKES TIME, GOOD FRIENDS TAKE TIME, AND APPARENTLY GOOD COMPUTERS TAKE A DEFRAGMENTATION."
PATIENCE AIN'T JUST A VIRTUE - IT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WELL-RUNNING COMPUTER AND A VERY EXPENSIVE SANDWICH WARMER!